Sunday, February 11, 2018

Profession and fun.

What do you do professionally?
What do you do for fun?

Profession feeds your tummy.
Fun stuff feeds your soul.

I have a full tummy.
With a hungry soul.
So I am out today, to feed that soul.


Monday, February 5, 2018

Being thirty.

It's weird that this is coming out of a constant traveler who spends most of her time living a nomad lifestyle. But sometimes, not all the time, I enjoy being around familiar faces, places, routines and processes. Like things will happen exactly the way I am ready for. It feels very safe. Just like how it feels at my home. Mom will always be Mom, and the first aid box will always be in the same drawer full of my favorite bandages. Mom tops it up every two days without fail, for decades.

Bandages, of my preference, are rare. I am clumsy enough to keep using up emergency bandages that I have in my backpack, and I couldn't always find the type I like in every city I traveled to. My biggest travel pain. But I still love travelling and all that surprises that a new city brings me.

It's a bittersweet, I guess. This might also be a sign of age. 2018 is making me thirty. 

I also feel my hormones changing and the urge to own a house, lately. An urge I never had before. With reasons that I can't even justify statistically and rationally. I own many random possessions like paintings, expensive bags and hairdryers, that I need a space to keep them. But I don't necessarily need to own that space to keep stuffs. I could have rented the space. But I don't want to rent a space, I want to own one. 

But I travel so much and I will still do. Why do I need a house? Or maybe what I really need is just to own fewer things. 

Conflicts. Conflicts. Conflicts. Between Jekyll and Hyde living inside me. I like stability and I like variability. I want to own a house, and I don't. I am grown person, but not quite. Shit.

I guess, this is my first lesson being 30-year-old. I need to sort out my inner conflicts, convince myself and deal with them. It's exciting because these are some major decisions and that I have to make and bear consequences like my parents did. Like the mortgages, loan rates, insurance and other things. I become responsible for my life now! 

Oh yea, I definitely feel more and more adult-sy turning thirty. Like I need to plan a world for myself. There are even discussions about retirement among my friends. Staying WAY ahead of time! I also invested in stocks and plan for my financials. I bought insurance and pay monthly premiums. Monitor the stock markets and read financial news like a filthy businessman. So weird!

All the various adulthood conflicts aside, what really matters to me about being thirty, as compared to being twenty-something, is that maturity and growth. I got to realize that it is what I own in my brain that matters, not the expensive bags or cars I own. Turning thirty is not going to change "what" I do, but "how" I do. It is about doing the same old shit with a different mind, think differently, maturely, and hopefully creatively. Plan big, dream bigger with the confidence, experience and knowledge accumulated over time. Make that good name for millenials!

And I will still rise and fall just like in the past, but I will rise and fall harder as I turn older. Be ready to not expect and be pampered like a princess. Be ready to stand firm and speak my mind with respect. Be there to manage bigger problems, and solve them with ethics and dignity. At times, I have to cry and recover on my own. I am not a kid anymore!

Something I have never considered or done as a young person. Something that makes me proud of being a little older.

I have some real exciting lessons ahead to start this new stage of life.
"Don't die a dreamer." I read.

瑜伽与我

两个月前开始接触瑜伽,一开始只因为上海太冷了,为了图热瑜伽教室里的30°暖气于是报名参加试课。参加第一堂课的时候,同班的同学都像软黏土一样,老师一个指令大家跟着一个标准动作。我么,反正老师都会额外的加一句“尽力就好”,每次做动作感觉我跟脚趾中间隔了太平洋,so near yet so far....

上了几堂课之后,自己也没发现身体韧带好像渐渐苏醒了,老师说了一个动作我就跟着指令照着做,没有到100分的程度但已经接近70了(但求尽力嘛!)。这时身后突然有把神奇的力量从背后毫无情面的推了我一把。当时我就是一个痛!痛得想转身给老师一个左勾拳。但,我竟奇迹般的碰到脚趾头了!此时,背后传来一阵温柔你无法抵抗的瑜伽专用气音:“做的hen好.......让我们的身体记住这个韧性......再支持一下,我们倒数3....2..........1

之后,我签了月课,开始自律地每两天都到瑜伽教室报到。我喜欢瑜伽让身体跟知觉一起配合努力做同一件事的感觉。用耳朵去听去理解老师说的,用眼睛观察老师的示范,然后自己去尝试用身体协调表达各种动作。这一系列没有一样不需要身体各器官的互相配合支持才能够完成。看似简单重复性高的各种动作,要做得标准没有一次不让我汗流浃背。曾经鄙视老师为什么一次次的要我做downdog,只感觉老师总在我背后使劲压背,后来才知道原来我做了不下百遍的downdog,到今天我那“三角形”长的像菱形多一点丑毙了。心里的 OS就是,老师真是慈悲,从来没发脾气。

我也喜欢瑜伽那种漫不经心凡事尽力的态度,那种凡事都不能一步登天只能靠着自己一点点去进步的节奏,谁都帮(逼)不了你去加速。不管你练了多长时间,贵不在你能弯到哪里去,而是保持自己身体的速度,聆听身体保持知觉。很官方的说辞,但真的就是这么一回事。做不到就是做不到,一切都是天意。无需理会身边同学的柔软度,根本没办法去假装自己能够像别人那么柔软。最重要就是尽力,一次次去挑战身体极限即可。你想做到哪里,你就得自己去努力去痛去做到。

几堂课之后老师教了一个新动作,所有人重新调试重新适应,喜欢那种归零以后在新事物里面错中学学中错的感动,没有人在害羞什么而是努力地把新动作一遍遍的做起来。就像小婴儿学走路学说话一样,对世界充满好奇但苦于自己什么都不懂而努力尝试每一次站起来、说第一句话,开始自己全新的人生一样。有哪个婴儿在怕跌倒、说“妈妈”的发音不标准的?在成人的世界里打混一段时间,我们都渐渐成了自己领土上的小国王,有了自己的身份、地位、包袱跟跋扈,有多少机会能够这样放下自尊勇敢承认自己什么都不懂,去重新学习新事物,去放胆跌倒、犯错、去被人纠正,去承认自己什么都不是?

做任何动作身体都会诚实地告诉自己极限在哪里,没有比这种坦然更诚实的了。像是在听小朋友在给你说话一样你不需要去质疑真实性,你比任何人都清楚自己有没有在撒谎。有时候暗地里做个偷懒的动作假装自己做好了,老师来个神来之推所有诡计就无所遁形了。突然当头棒喝提醒自己,别再撒谎了

平时看着不起眼的家庭主妇,来到瑜伽课像是黏土人一般,几乎能够把身体折进行李箱里check in。上完一堂课大家都纷纷仰视着目送她离开教室,快没给她铺个红走道恭送她出门了。什么地位、身份、财富已经看不到,只觉得这主妇正在闪闪发光,走路都有风...

在瑜伽,唯一能做的就是享受当下、享受那种因为尽力而给身体带来的那种真实的痛楚。因为痛所以下一堂课才能再伸得再远一点、弯得再多一点,变得不在乎旁人了。享受自己跟自己的拉锯战,自己跟自己在一起进步。这种运动贵在精神,贵在享受身心交流的过程,与年龄、性别、身形无关。一天24小时,日复日、夜复夜、年复年,为工作忙、为别人忙、为社交媒体忙、为各种无聊事忙,一天都花了多少时间跟这副用来打拼生活的身体好好的沟通交流?一不小心农历年又来了,你是一天当一年在过?还是一年当一天在过?

2018年我将迈入30岁大关,很庆幸在这个时候认识瑜伽,这个能够安静诚实面对自己的小角落,无视繁华跟城嚣。只有瑜伽跟我。

身体里面那只久违的睡龙伸了个懒腰跟我说,这是我要的





Sunday, September 3, 2017

Back to the basics

Everything in life on planet involves risks.
Back during those days when I was a nerdy statistics student, the professor said.
In a low down tone as if risks is a haunting ghost.

I was not afraid, I studied that very first chapter on my textbook.
I figured out, risks is nothing but a probability.

And then I graduated from the university and marched into a company and claimed:
"I have a degree, I know risk. Hire me"

I was hired and day by day I applied probability at work, to control risks.
But never one time that worked out like I thought it would.
Day by day, I start to question the definition of risks.
I recalled that low down tone the professor had about the word "risk"

Today, I am back to the basics, to the learning about risk.
The first chapter" Understanding risk"
Took me years, and I still know fuck about risk.

I don't know risk.
Shame on me...

Thursday, May 11, 2017

给所有的妈

这几年我常在外面溜达,
你从来不问我外面有多好,
你只问我什么时候回家。

妈,世界不应该只有回家。
年龄不应该是限制,
性别不应该有歧视,
体能可以锻炼。
你也应该出去看看天下。
换你来告诉我外面有多疯、有多大。

妈,有一天我可能会找到我的那个TA。
TA不需要有钱、不需要有名,
我希望他有见识、有才华。
我会爱着他,跟他生活很多年,
一起跌倒、一起创天下。

30年后,可能也有人会这样叫我妈,
我不想要整天只关心他什么时候吃饭、什么时候回家。
作为一个女儿,
我有执著、不平横、跟挣扎。
我想我未来的女儿,
她也有她的执著、她的不平横、她的挣扎。
当她在外受伤了倒在我怀里撒娇的时候,
我只想她快乐,
告诉她妈妈永远挺她。

出门在外有时候我会想家,
我想我们家小狗、想我们家花园、想带你逛街、有时候只想摊在家。
但是,妈,生活应该还有朋友、还有学习、还有梦想,
还有创天下。

出门在外有时候我也常会怕。
我也想告诉你我有多怕。
不是要你叫我回家,
而是要告诉你:你女儿有多勇敢、多伟大。

我想告诉你日本有多冷、樱花有多好,富士有多大。
我想告诉你缅甸吃什么,自己旅行我有多伟大。
我想告诉你上海有好、同事多可爱、老板多讨厌、我刚买了部新电话。
我想告诉你渣男多讨厌、我有多生气、我多想打他。

妈,今天母亲节。
好好去吃、好好去玩、好好去庆祝,
我祝你做个快乐自由的妈妈。

我最伟大的妈妈




Saturday, April 29, 2017

I am twentysomethingwen, and I will always be.

Yamanashi - Lake Kawaguchi
Past few years has been an interesting one for me, travels has made a big portion of it, and him.

Many times I am wondering myself: Who am I? What am I? So what? 

My values, and dream? What are they? 

I have been second guessing about myself a lot,  recently. That depresses me and I hated it.

I love life, I love animals, I love seeing new places. I read people, and I am good at it. 

I study and work for insurance, and I am successful professionally. I am intelligent, diligent, determined and hardworking. I need no one to tell me how I can be good, I am just good. 

I take pictures, I can be better and I am working on it. 

I have my values and dream. What's for me, and what's not. I change for no one.  

I have my weaknesses, but that's for me to know, for me to grow. I feel no shame for being bad at certain things. My shortcomings is part of me, we live together.

To all my girls, my friends, my love ones - 

Be around people who appreciates your dream, your values. And for who you are.

Not with people who constantly doubt on your decisions, question your motive, and create anxieties. Life is too short for toxic.

Love the guy for who you are proud of to be with, and let both of you be who you are, independently and successfully. Not controlled, compromised, and manipulated by a process, society norm, government or your parents. Otherwise, drop it and keep looking. 

Know that every one has an unleashed potential only for yourself to discover. And time is limited. Don't cry over spilled milk, don't pause for too long. Be ready to stand up and keep going, keep trying. Chin up, and move!

There is no need to feel defeated over failure and disapproval. You need no one to approve of your decisions. It's your life... your choice. Be responsible to no one, but yourself.

It's a great Saturday morning, I am grateful for every one and everything that makes who I am today.

Those who helped me, stabbed me, trapped me. 

But hey, I only care about right now and tomorrow. 

To be honest, I hate no one. I am running out of time.

I am twentysomethingwen, and I will always be. 

The only difference is, I will only be better, only better. 

twentysomethingwen, forever. 

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Thank you, Singapore.



"Box of Air"
 
I came to Singapore with many of my classmates ten years ago to attend university here. The past ten years has been a major part of my growing up as a teenager. I have acquired some very important life skills like using a washing machine, getting used to public transport and be able to survive the costly lifestyles. I know where to go for yummy but cheap food, there are secret spots that I hung out at regularly, and I made great friends here whom I know I can always reach out to for no matter what.
Ten years has passed. I love many things about the country: The safety, the efficiency, the openness, the convenience and the international exposures. Many of my friends who came to Singapore with me have already, if not starting to build permanent bases in the city after a few years; which is a natural decision to make given its location proximity to home and better living conditions the country has to offer.  
Singapore is a great country; my feeling has been a mix about it.
Walking down the financial district always explodes my mind. Construction sites are seen every two blocks away, new malls pop up almost every two days. The city changes every time after I am out of town for a few weeks. Few months ago, a friend called for a meet up at the “Stadium station” and I didn’t even know that such a station existed. I literally had to refer to the subway station map like a tourist to figure out the route. – This feels like you are dating a girlfriend who goes on plastic surgery so much and look like a doll (which is great) but not the girl that you dated before. Upgrades are good; it just lacks the sense of belonging and the feeling like you were part of the past.  You feel home at the places where you know where the secret corners are and the naughty history behind it. Before I could create any naughty history here, the corner has been demolished and rebuilt based on latest contemporary architecture designs. My university campus where I spent most of my time at during my first couple years in Singapore now look like a NASA space station than a place that I remember having fun at in the green open field.
Tremendous progress that the country has made in its development has also effected in shaping some uniquely local characteristics of its people. The “kiasu (afraid to lose)” and “kiasee(afraid to die)” spirits are typical results of this fierce competition that its people are facing be it at work or at school. The primary school syllabus is so hard that it almost makes me feel like a 7-year-old kid is preparing himself to be a college professor. This is so because academic results determines what job you are going to get and how much you will earn - Singapore is unfortunately an expensive and competitive country to survive in given its greatness. Locals compete not only against their own people, but also with top performing foreigners who are everywhere in the country - almost 20% of its population is not from Singapore. This is a lot of pressure.  
The strong desire to be wealthy and “considered” successful has unfortunately forced its people adhere to strict routine and standard “procedure driven” lifestyles. The belief that if they have done all it requires in this “routine”, success is guaranteed without a question – almost like a religion, a national belief. Many have followed a set time frame that governs all aspects of life: when to graduate from university, applying for a job months before graduating, get a promotion, get a significant other, get married, have kids, when to have kids (May or December?), which school to choose from, where to live (based on the location proximity to the best school to stand better chance to get selected), when to retire, how much to save (there are calculators online everywhere to determine that).. etc. Strict conformity to this schedule has been the life goal for many, some unknowingly.
Among the many other reasons I do not feel “belong”’ here– I do feel blessed for all the convenience and benefits even as a foreigner working here. I have been offered even more than what I would have been offered than in my home country. The government realized the importance of foreign talents and globalization way before many other governments do, which is one of the reasons why this country has transformed so quickly in such a short period of time compared to other countries with similar limitation and problems. The openness I experienced in this country is an experience that is uniquely to Singapore – no other countries despite its claim has made me feel more welcomed and respected as a foreigner. Only, Singapore.  I enjoyed Singapore for the fact that I am allowed to speak my mind and be who I am. I might not be accepted according to the societal norm, but I am always free to explore my own fantasy if I were to pursue. I do love Singapore for that.
Long story short, it’s been good ten years with you, Singapore. Thank you!  
Love, Wen
 

Profession and fun.

What do you do professionally? What do you do for fun? Profession feeds your tummy. Fun stuff feeds your soul. I have a full tummy. W...